$1.50 Well Spent

Winter in Ohio, particularly Northwest Ohio...sucks.

The wind howls. The sun, if it comes out at all, is gone by 5 pm.

I won't even mention the snow.

But, for those brave souls who survive the snow in winter, the mud of spring and then the humidity and mosquitos of the summer, there is a pay off:

And yes, I ate all three...

My Razor, My Hero

If you were a betting man, which razor would you put your money on to effectively shave my legs? Sure, that sleek fancy number has its appeal. But, strong and steady wins the race and the trusty plain blue Bic did all the heavy lifting itself. And just how heavy was it? Let's put it this way, I think I stopped shaving my legs after I moved into my home. That was 1995. I asked my husband, "hey, I hate shaving my legs. Mind if I quit?" He said no and that was that.

I don't want to cave to peer pressure, but it's true that there is some appeal to the opposite sex of a smooth leg. Perhaps it appears I've sold out to The Man. And I'm ok with that. I mean, have you seen The Man? He's cute.

And after your done checking out Sue's ass, check out my gams (blurry as they are).

It Is Mysterious

Here's a question that we at The Bitter Train often ask ourselves (we're smart enough not to ask it of others): "Why are we still single?"




I mean, look at Lynne (pretend you don't see the sock monkey peeking out of her shirt). She's cute. And look how happy she is. Ok...you might also want to disregard the plarn bag on her shoulder. But other than those two "accessory issues", she's quite a catch. Yet, she remains single.



And here's a picture of me. Sure, I'm with a man (ok, he's also a relative, so I can see where that's potentially problematic) wearing a kilt and a baseball hat and I'm carrying a sophisticated evening clutch made from video tape, but again, accessories notwithstanding, a guy could do a lot worse. Couldn't he?


In an effort to solve this mystery, I've decided to try to look at Lynne and myself as an outsider would. What would they see? What would they hear? Here's a short list:


Conversation from last night:
Me: Hey, is that ham on your leg?
Lynne: Why yes, as a matter of fact, it is.


In her defense, she didn't know it was there and it had been a hectic day (any day that includes ham usually is). And, once the fact that there was ham sticking to her leg was pointed out, Lynne promptly removed it (and no, she did not eat it). Frankly, I think this, like the items mentioned above, is really more of an accessory issue.


Another conversation:
Lynne: Sue, why do you always want to run the vacuum cleaner when it's cleaning day?
Sue: I'm fascinated by the quantities of pet hair. Last time I had to empty the cannister three times.


Sue's comments to most recent visitors: "Hey, we've been running. Look at my ass. Doesn't it look great? Really, check it out."


At the big July 4th celebration (held on the 3rd) the major entertainment was children throwing pieces of a watermelon at each other...and then retrieving the pieces from the pond and throwing them again...and again.


What about the warm greeting that most visitors get? There are three dogs barking at them and, if they are lucky, or just have slow reflexes, chances are that Tillie will give them a nice goose. We're friendly. What's wrong with that?


Ok, so once you're inside, maybe it's a little freaky, but why hasn't anyone even come to the front door? Is it possible that the fact that there is a bowling ball in the flower bed is a deterrent to suitors? I thought men liked bowling.

And finally, there's Lynne's touching tribute to Farrah's classic pose combined with Michael Jasckson's 70's fashion savvy. How many women can top this?


It seems like all the clues are there, yet I just can't figure it out. Maybe our loyal fan(s) can help solve the mystery.

Sometimes I Just Feel Like Going to the Zoo

The sights, smells and sounds of a zoo are truly stimulating. However, it's not supposed to extend too far to humans. But on a recent visit to the Columbus Zoo, humans far surpassed the featured animals.

Scene One: Wild Geese Exhibit

Three large birds picking at the grass in their enclosure. Around them, feathers everywhere. Was there a fourth bird? "Something bad must have happened here," I said. Trina reasoned they were molting. I like my story better.

Scene Two: The Moose Exhibit

As Trina and I gazed at the peaceful moose, a woman (with whom we'd made no eye contact) turned around and said, "moose burgers are delicious." "Oh, really?" I wondered if perhaps they were giving away samples somewhere and we'd missed them. Would they be giving samples of all the zoo animals? The woman added (still unsolicited), "they are a bit salty." OH, thank goodness my blood pressure will prevent me from having one.

Scene Three: The Entry Gate

Just days before our visit, the zoo's director died unexpectedly. The staff were wearing ribbons and buttons in his memory. "Sorry to hear about your director" became a popular catch phrase. Ok, only with me.

Scene Four: Women's Public Restroom

As I entered a stall, I heard some of the most tender words of love between parent and child from the stall next to me. "Honey, just pinch it off and let's go." Good thing I was near some tissues to dab my tear-filled eyes.

Scene Five: Elephant Exhibit

"Look, Dad, that's a boy!"
This was painfully clear to all of us. And it was understandable when the next sign we saw for the "Pallas Cat" was mispronounced as "Phallus Cat."

Scene Six: The Flamingos
Overheard, "And you think they look tacky when someone sticks them in their front yards."

That seemed a little harsh.