Sometimes I Just Feel Like Going to the Zoo

The sights, smells and sounds of a zoo are truly stimulating. However, it's not supposed to extend too far to humans. But on a recent visit to the Columbus Zoo, humans far surpassed the featured animals.

Scene One: Wild Geese Exhibit

Three large birds picking at the grass in their enclosure. Around them, feathers everywhere. Was there a fourth bird? "Something bad must have happened here," I said. Trina reasoned they were molting. I like my story better.

Scene Two: The Moose Exhibit

As Trina and I gazed at the peaceful moose, a woman (with whom we'd made no eye contact) turned around and said, "moose burgers are delicious." "Oh, really?" I wondered if perhaps they were giving away samples somewhere and we'd missed them. Would they be giving samples of all the zoo animals? The woman added (still unsolicited), "they are a bit salty." OH, thank goodness my blood pressure will prevent me from having one.

Scene Three: The Entry Gate

Just days before our visit, the zoo's director died unexpectedly. The staff were wearing ribbons and buttons in his memory. "Sorry to hear about your director" became a popular catch phrase. Ok, only with me.

Scene Four: Women's Public Restroom

As I entered a stall, I heard some of the most tender words of love between parent and child from the stall next to me. "Honey, just pinch it off and let's go." Good thing I was near some tissues to dab my tear-filled eyes.

Scene Five: Elephant Exhibit

"Look, Dad, that's a boy!"
This was painfully clear to all of us. And it was understandable when the next sign we saw for the "Pallas Cat" was mispronounced as "Phallus Cat."

Scene Six: The Flamingos
Overheard, "And you think they look tacky when someone sticks them in their front yards."

That seemed a little harsh.

What Year Is It?

Sure, it's 2009. You may even know it's the Year of the Ox.

But for our pal Pat, it's The Year of the Sandwich. As of this writing, there are no commemorative t-shirts to be purchased. The Conductor recently sat down with Pat to see how the Year is going. The interview took place at Findlay's Main Street Deli.

Editor's Note: The Conductor has memory problems and may have, in fact, made some of this stuff up.



Conductor: You're mid-way through the Year of the Sandwich. How would you say it's going?

Pat: It really hasn't cut the mustard. I've been really busy. I'm spread pretty thin.

Conductor: So to speak. What's your favorite so far?

Pat: Could you be more specific?

Conductor: Ummm..maybe...

Pat: Do you mean meat or non-meat?

Conductor: Wow, this is really complicated.

Pat: Could you hand me another napkin?

Conductor: Sure, here. Ok, what's the best meat you've had. I cannot believe I just said that.

Pat: Are you blushing? The award has to go to a stellar reuben I had in San Antonio. It was at this great deli. The corned beef was warm, thick and not too salty.

Conductor: Yeah, I am blushing. That sandwich you're working on now looks pretty darn good.

Pat: This? It's the 8-21 and it is a close second, I must say. It's pastrami, turkey, green pepper with a thin layer of dijon mustard. I chose black bread, which was a fine choice, I must say. Hey, give me that back!

Conductor: Mmrnnmen nrgh gerd.

Pat: I know it's good but I'd like to eat the whole thing!

Conductor: Sorry. Could I have another napkin? Let's move onto the non-meat category.

Pat: Mmerreghgh....ggerrrnnrgh.

Conductor: Hey! That's my tuna reuben!

Pat: And a darn good one. Unfortunately, it's not a contender. Now where were we? The non-meat? Hey, put down that knife! Really - aahhhhh!!!


Editor's Note: the rest of the interview is illegible due to what (we hope) was a smear of ketchup.

Another Candidate for the Bitter Hall of Fame

Sure, we say we're bitter. But we know it. We joke about it. Most importantly, we're bitter and fun.

Kate Gosselin.

Really bitter. Really not fun.

While not a fan of the show, inevitably images and headlines forced me to be aware of them during grocery store check-out lines.

May I suggest that if one would plot on a graph the rise and fall of the Gosselin marriage, then plot the weirdness of Kate's hairstyles the lines are the identical!!!

My Weekend---A Photo Essay

Plarn goes first class.


Sexy shoes for Magaret and me. Wow, my feet sure are big.



Margaret---feeling no pain.



The Bride and Me. Isn't she beautiful?
P.S. How sexy is my necklace?


As if marrying Ellen wasn't enough---James becomes an honorary member of the class of '84. How can any man stand the excitement?

We look just like we did when we were roomies!

I don't even remember what this was about, but whatever it was, it sure was funny. I didn't really use my stash of tissues during the wedding ceremony, but I had to dig a couple out of my purse after this episode to dab my eyes.

Off to bed for me.