Beauty and Home Decor Tips by Lynne

First it was Martha Stewart who had multiple media outlets to showcase her broad knowledge of elegant living. Then, Rachel Ray made a valiant attempt.

Here on the Gold Coast, there's no reason to think we can't do the same.

But, perhaps, on a scale of elegance that has a slightly different um...calibration.

How does a Hardin County Girl stay beautiful and youthful? When I was a kid, I read in Teen Magazine how a simple smear of Vaseline was an inexpensive yet effective way to keep lips moisturized.

Eat your heart out Suzie Chapstick.

When my grandmother died, it was discovered that she had quite the treasure trove of Vaseline (goodness knows what pop up ads we'll get now). The above jar, now empty, was part of my inheritance. I doubt Grandma Leiner read that tip in Teen Magazine. I don't really want to know why she had so much but as a person who lived through the Depression, there were many, many products that she had stockpiled. In fact, twenty years later, I still have a can of Comet from her cache.

And, don't worry, still more Vaseline. But, sadly, this is the last. In ten years, I may have to spend $3 to buy more. That is, if it's even sold anymore.

Next, let's discuss home decor. While my own home is done up with a motif of "Early Garage Sale," I do have standards. They are low, but I have them.

But, they are not this low:

This little gem was hanging at Habitat for Humanity's Restore. Personally, I find it extremely Inhumane. What sort of services do they offer anyway? Who on earth would want a latch hooked Holly Hobby set off by institutional carpeting as a background? Seriously, it's like donating pickled beets or sardines to the food pantry.

It's truly amazing that some reality show has not found us yet.

What Are My Health Concerns?

This morning, our friend Pat sent me an email asking me what health topics, I, as a consumer, would like to know more about. A good and important issue.

Not wanting to just dash off some flippant response, I gave it careful thought. After all, health concerns demand our attention. Here's what I've come up with (so far):

1. How much toilet paper must I layer on a toilet seat to avoid germs? Actually, does this technique work at all?

2. Is this brown spot on my arm a mole, age spot or skin cancer? Explain.

3. What is the most polite way to tell my homeopathic friend I will not cut up onions and leave them around my house to prevent germs? I've got enough problems explaining my home to visitors.

4. How many S T D 's do you think that waiter might have?

5. Why does that man hit his pit bull with his ball cap? Wait, that's a question I have for me.

6. I've heard Zumba is a great fitness activity. Is it true that Lynne is the best instructor? (okay, can we at least agree she's the most recently licensed in the greater Gold Coast area?)

7. What is the most effective way to soothe my aching muscles (see above) now that drug dealers have ruined my dates with Mr. Bubble?

8. What does Chris put in the burgers to make them so darn good?

9. The Healing Power of Plarn. Discuss.

As you can see, I've really been mulling these over. One mustn't trifle with one's health.

Careful Research, Part Two

Today I needed a little reward after my annual exam. Perhaps that is too much information, but it's my explanation for why I went to McDonald's. The day before, I'd heard that their new Rolo McFlurry was fabulous. In need of fabulosity, I went to see The Clown (thank you, Chris, for this dubbing). I ordered the snack size for $1.50. It was not bad. It wasn't fabulous. Plus, the weird plastic spoon it came with looked like a doctor's dosing spoon. Considering from where I'd just been, this was not welcome.

Perhaps, (in the interest and benefit of helping you, the reader, find good ice cream as stated before) I needed to do a comparison with the local ice cream place, Buster's. Since they didn't have Rolo as an option for their "cyclones" (why must these ice cream/candy treats be named after inclement weather conditions?), my local ice cream mix-masters proposed a combination of chocolate and caramel, like a turtle sans nuts.

Here's where the locals win every time over the big chain - customized orders, thinking outside the box. Or thinking outside the cone anyway.

However, it was a bit disappointing too. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't awful. However, the cyclone/flurry/hurricane/blizzard ice cream treat has at its very heart the promise of candy surprises swirled through sweet, soft ice cream. This concoction was all, well...mixed up. It tasted just...cold. I didn't even finish it (when you're counting calories, every single one better be darn near delicious). Buster's option was also more expensive and only slightly bigger than McD's.

While I prefer to give the locals my business, the quest for fabulosity continues, both in ice cream treats and life in general.

Found on the Road, Part Three (or more)

Wednesday, I sent a text that read, "Look what I found near my house."

This could mean anything. Looking back over the years, lots of interesting things have been found on the road near or around my house.

Usually, it's something like this:

What is that? You ask? Melted gummy bears. How do I know? Because when I walked the dogs by there earlier in the week, they were unmelted.

But Wednesday's surprise was ALIVE:

And very small. And hungry.

If you are in need of a charming four week old kitten who wants to be held all the time, please let me know. Soon.

In a weird twist on "found on the road," the kitten I were on the road

That just blew your mind, didn't it?