Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Why Did the Girls Cross the Road?

To Do a 5k!

And of course we were totally fashion mavens for the big event in Lima. It was the first fun and wellness 5k that Lima sponsored to go with their health fair. Inside the expo, Sue and Lynne competed vigorously for who had the best blood glucose level (Lynne), cholesterol (Sue) and blood pressure (Sue).

Sue got extra bragging rights by one of the techs declaring that she was a "good bleeder" (or was it great). Man, it's like she won't shut up about it. Maybe she got this designation when she presented her outstretched finger with the demand, "Poke me!"

Both of us passed our dermascans with "fine" and "use more moisturizer." Sue made a friendly visit to the colonoscopy booth (they weren't doing those "live") where she learned that a scope is inserted up the rectum "and beyond" (not unlike Buzz Lightyear).

Oh dear, what kind of ads will pop up now?

All three of us finished the 5k - the very first for our pal Jane! She felt so good the next day she did a lap at ONU's Green Monster! You go Jane!

Monday, March 15, 2010

Unexpected Consequence of Cleaning the Oven

The automatic cleaning feature is one of the few fancy new-fangled features I have on any appliance in this house. However, leaving the bananas on the range while the oven reaches insanely high temperatures had a rather startling result:

What you can't see in the photo is the bananas somewhat liquified and....were dripping. eww...

Consider this a public service announcement.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Why Did Spanky Cross the Road?

To get to the other squirrel.

Imagine Sue yelling, "Stay away Spankenstein!"

Why Did the Chicken Cross the road?

To shovel her mailbox out of the snow (when it's 49 degrees). And what was in the mailbox? More snow.

Monday, March 8, 2010


Recently, I had to come up with a 300 word description of myself. I came up with something, but if I'd written the truth of the matter, it would have read like this:

"When not blogging about bitterness, Lynne hides from amorous farmers
at her farm in rural Hardin County, using her four cats as proof she is
undesirable. At last count, she has not left the house for three days,
except to scavenge leftover Chinese food at a friend's."

Note that I did not mention I am currently harboring a graduate from a seven sister's college with a terminal degree. Because that would have been weird.

Anyway, it made me wonder if I were to "tweet" about my life, what would I have to say. Here's what this week would have been like:

Thursday: "During walk today, Spanky found a dead squirrel. As he limped home, its tail was waving in the air."
Friday: "Today bathing was optional - 48 hours - woohoo!"
Saturday: "Enjoyed leftover Pan Asian food with Pat 2nite. Cultural diversity rocks!"
Sunday: "Sue texted that Dollar General has caftans. Viva le muumuu."

Fortunately, I have a rich inner life. However, what would that tweet look like? "Considered the implications of living a life of meekness as described in Psalm 37." See? It's just not as compelling. Then again, neither is the live stuff.

What Would You Tweet?

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

It's Un-CAN-ny

Yesterday I drove home from Florida. Due to middle of the night puking by one of the dogs, I was up and out the door early - 4:30 a.m. to be exact.

Four hours into the trip, I took my first break. I gassed up the car, let the dogs stretch their legs and then I headed into the gas station restroom (I put the dogs back, by the way). Sue and Julie have both told me that McDonald's is THE place to pee. However, this would throw off my somewhat distressing need to make really good time while driving, so I was all about efficiency. Turns out that efficiency and cleanliness do not always go hand in hand.

The first stop was at a BP. I thought that was a safe bet, as opposed to the Race Trac or other stations that cater to the truckers. Not that I have anything against the truckers, but the bathrooms seem to have too many disturbing vending machines in them.

As I pulled into the station (southern Georgia), I noticed this particular one doubled as a mechanic and had two compartments for the cars. Wow, hadn't seen that for some time. I knew it must be an older station, but remained optimistic for a clean toilet. That was the minimum standard and it was, happily, met. However, there was a rather alarming gap between the stall and any other ladies who were foolish enough to enter this station's restroom would be able to see me in all my, um, "glory." As I washed my hands (soap - bonus!), I turned to see a vending machine from which patrons could choose from a booklet that promised new and exciting "positions" (I don't think they were political ones) or a "pleasure ring" that - get this - glowed in the dark. I wanted to run screaming from the station, but I was concerned I might return with change. C'mon glow in the dark! I just had to see it.

Stop number two (the second one, not where I planned to do number two)was in northern Georgia, also a BP. This restroom was ok except the option to dry my hands was one of those giant cloth things that you pulled around to get a dry patch. However, it was all used up and was behind this weird barrier that warned not to use the towel if it was behind it. I touched it to see if it might explode or something but it didn't. It just hung there. Anyway, there was also the vending machine in this one. It featured the "Value pack" which had an assortment of "goodies." As Sue just said, it was not a first aid kit and it was not a sewing kit and shower cap. Well, maybe by another definition...

If you are wondering why I am not being more specific, it is because I don't weird ads popping up on the blog.

So could I make it three for three? Yes, I could! This time, I went to a Shell station (mid-Kentucky)and the restroom was - wait for it - male and female! And yes, when I went in, the seat was up. Sigh. There was also this weird lighting that looked like it may have been used in a Quentin Tarantino movie. I found myself looking for Uma Thurman to come out dressed like a ninja.

As Sue said, I am just no good at picking out public restrooms. It just isn't my thing.

But driving is! I made it home in 16 hours. I know no one cares but me, but still - 16 hours - woohoo!