Rocko's Report

Less than twenty four hours left for Pat and me here at Rocko's Beach House. It's been great, but I know you want to know all about it. Here are the highlights.

One---the number of bags of Cheetos that I've eaten nearly single handedly.

A pound of shrimp---the best buy at Publix this week. De-lish.

2.5---the number of times I've been to Skidders. We had a great meal last night, but went back today for brunch and they were so busy that we went elsewhere.

Nina's on the Beach---the very cute diner where we went when we couldn't get a seat at Skidders. Very good lunch but I had way too much hash. Can I help it if I'm a hash addict? Of course, I'm such a loser that I'm addicted to actual hash and not the drug.

47---the number of soduku puzzles that I've completed so far...and I still have nearly 24 hours of puzzling fun left.

Gyro---the word I can't really pronounce, but what I keep ordering at Skidders.

Mike---the cute man who was our waiter last night at Skidders.

A round---what Peter comped for us last night at Skidders. Like we're high rollers or something.

Mickey and Minnie Window Clings---what Lynne took off the windows at Skidders last night (see comped drinks, above).

Daily---how often I've used the jacuzzi tub.

Tim Dorsey---fun author we saw at a local library. And we bought two of his books. Lynne is way ahead of me on reading (see soduku puzzles above).

Unexpected, and terrifying, event----Pat appears to be off of bacon. It all started when she bought some chocolate covered bacon at the Italian Market. Seemed like a good idea---two great tastes, they must taste great together. But nooo....it was icky. And as a result, Pat is now afraid of bacon. Who thought that her favorite meat could suddenly become the enemy? This morning the woman at the next table had bacon and Pat was brave about it. I'm not sure what this could mean for the future. I'm going to nominate her for Dr. Drew's next show. I think he's the only one who can help.

Other things that scared Pat---the Tim Dorsey book. It's about a serial killer in Florida and she was afraid he'd get her if she read the book.

Bitch and Cupcake----not our nicknames,but the names of two wines that we've enjoyed. Cupcake was better than Bitch, fyi.

Knishes---new food tried by Lynne and Pat at the street market yesterday. Pat's was potato and Hebrew National Hot Dogs and Lynne's was sweet potato. Pat also had Hebrew National mustard which, as she said, "is new to my mustard repetoire." How many of you have a mustard repetoire?

My strecthy pants---what I'll be wearing for the next several days. Ugh.

What do you see?

Some may see an empty roll of toilet paper, it's intended purpose spent, ready for the trash receptacle. Or, like us, you see kindling for the woodburner, and it must be squirrelled away.

It's all in the way you look at it. Or, if you have a really small world.

Pat's Birthday in the Year of Cereal, 2010

Yes, those are Alpha Bits on a giant rice crispy treat. Got any better ideas? No, really, do you?

Happy 75th, King! (the one on the right)

I just can't think of a title good enough for this photo

We at the Bitter Train are environmentally conscious. We try to be responsible with our carbon footprints. That's the excuse I use on those days when I don't feel like bathing. Why waste water? We took green to a whole new level this holiday season with paper chains made from scrap paper. Already, the paper was put to two good uses, and then, on New Year's Eve, somehow the paperchains made their way to this statue of HS Lehr, beloved founder of ONU. They've lasted over a week, including a major snow storm. This is either proof of the sturdiness of the paper chains or laziness of the grounds crew. Good ole HS. I wonder if he had much of a sense of humor?

Mr. Bubble, Friend No More

When I read that Rocko's had a jacuzzi tub, it was one of those "you had me at hello" moments. Thoughts of relaxing hot baths, gentle aromas transporting me to full relaxation filled my imagination as a vital component of the perfect vacation.

Boy was I wrong.

Between too hot water and over sudsing, my two attempts at luxury bathing have been botched. At first I thought I had simply made amateur mistakes. After all, it's tricky finding the right water level for proper submerging. However, that didn't solve the problem of too many bubbles, fired by the jets, making for a Lucy Ricardo-type picture. Then there were the hot flashes and subsequent clausterphobia, fueled by bubbles threatening to smother me.

After today's failure, I focused on at least a good shower. But that's where Mr. Bubbles Twisted Sister showed up. As I was rinsing my hair, I reached for the Aveda "hair masque." Once again, I couldn't read the ant droppings that passed for instructions on the bottle. Somewhere, I saw 2-5, which I assumed meant minutes to keep the conditioner on. This is an extraordinarily long time to just stand around the shower, particularly when I was feeling such bitter disappointment.

Looking around at the tiles, I noticed that the cleaning person must have missed the Crest Gel that had adhered to a few of the tiles. Ewwww...well, with nothing else to do, I grabbed an Aveda bottle and got scraping. That passed the time nicely. Rinsing out the masque (which I think I was supposed to do), I got out of the tub while the gettin' was good.

Always end on a win.

Kid in a Candy Store or Bull in a China Shop

For Christmas and my birthday, my mom buys me Aveda hair products. This is always pretty exciting for me as this stuff is 'spensive but it smells fantastic.

Imagine my surprise when I check into my Florida beach rental only to find mounds and mounds of Aveda products in BOTH bathrooms. Why, there's hair repair, over there, Caribean bath salts! And is that Rosemary Mint scrub? Yes, it is! Wow.

Here's the thing about Aveda products. They confuse me. While I should be smothering that stuff all over my rough elbows and my damaged roots, some of the prodcut descriptions leave me puzzled.

For example, the Botanical Purifying Gel doesn't say what it's supposed to be purifying, let alone if it gets rinsed off or if it stays on. And the firming agent? The instructions actually make more sense to me in French than the English because I recognized "apres" to mean "after." I just don't know what to do after what.

As I suspected, once more sophistication is within my grasp, but my hands are too oily to hold on to it.