Creepiest Thing EVER

Reading the Sunday paper should be relaxing, right? Then I saw this ad among the coupons. Questions: who thought of it, who green lighted it, and who buys it?

A collectible "orangutan toddler doll" made from real vinyl (as opposed to that fake vinyl?).

Seriously, this picture frightened me so I've had to keep it face down on the paper. It actually induces nausea.

When Left to Her Own Devices...

It's been a hectic few weeks here on the Gold Coast.

You know about Boggle for Breast Cancer. Well, the very next day, there was the first ever pumpkin cook and/or bake off. It was delicious. After it was over, I decided I needed to cut sugar from my diet. For at least a little while. And I managed to lose a pound within three days. Yes, healthy eating...salads, smoothies, and cabbage soup.

It's Saturday. I decided early in the day that I really needed a break from all the games, cooking, zumba and yoga. Ocean Breathing wasn't helping. Training for the 5k I'm planning (oh yes, add that to the mix of stuff I have to do), I've been eating pretty well and tonight I decided that for my big Saturday night treat, I'd cook up the bacon that's been in the fridge for awhile.

First of all, I haven't bought bacon forever, let alone make it. I had to look for directions and decided on the oven method, which was 9-12 minutes or until desired doneness. Desired doneness for me ended up being about 25 minutes. I pulled it out of the oven.

Mmmmm....

Mysteriously, it was crispy on top, but the parts that were layered, even a tiny bit, were sort of mushy.

As you will see, that didn't slow me down. Ten minutes later....

I've long suspected I could be a competitive eater if I put my mind to it. It's really a toss up whether I'm bragging or confessing.

All I can say is, the house smells great!

When is 3rd Place Better Than 2nd?

Answer: When you're bitter.

Today was the Second Annual Boggle for Breast Cancer Competition. Lynne and I got our Bog On and headed to Lima. Last year we had so much fun because we didn't know what to expect or how'd we'd do. We ended up having a great time and bringing home the third place trophy. We giggled with delight the whole way home.

This year, we knew what to expect and we had a fair idea of how we might do against the competition. We both expected more teams, but in fact, there were fewer (could be poor PR or maybe we scared them off).

Also---no zither music this year. Not that it would have mattered to me, but it did throw Lynne off her game last year.

After each round the scores were posted. After round one we got a shout out for being in first place. We felt the bitterness of those around us, but it only spurred us onward to more words.

We continued in the hunt, moving from third to second to first and back to second a couple times. Going into the final round, we had a 30 point lead. No one could catch us and we could feel the thrill of taking home the first place trophy. I wondered if we might need to put the back seat down in Lynne's car in order to get it home.

The final round was a behomoth 10X10 grid of letters. In previous rounds, extra points were awarded for words of 5 letters or more. Imagine our excitement when we found "Bitter" (Lynne underlined it on our answer sheet). But in the final round all words were worth one point each,regardless of size. We filled one sheet, then a second and moved onto a third. The buzzer rang and we turned in our score sheets. The woman who picked them up said "wow, you used three?" We smiled and tried not to get too puffed up.

We waited while the final round was scored by the judges. Some scores were posted, but then they hid the screen so that it would be a surprise. We tried to act nonchalant, but as you know, we are both very chalant. Ok...I'm not really sure that's a word, but we are the opposite of nonchalant, which one might think would be chalant.

The final scores were revealed...we had 911 points for the day...but team "Squeeze Your Boobies" beat us by 30 points and so we settled for second.

What's happened to us? Have we become spoiled celebrities who are no longer satisfied with every day life? How can second place (out of 17 teams) not be good enough? Last year we were thrilled with third, this year, frankly, we were bitter.

On our way out Lynne chatted with one of the judges who told her "You guys had the best words." In the world of word-gamers, that's high praise. Of course, I've always thought that "quality over quantity" argument was just a sad excuse used by losers.

Sigh.

Candy and the Lies It Tells

When I was a kid, my family ate Chinese food nearly every Sunday after church. No matter what Chinese restaurant we went to, my grandma always ordered the chopped sirloin. That's just an interesting side note. The point is, fortune cookies always rocked. Reading our fortunes out loud was always fun. Then there was the crunchy cookie with its almond-y goodness.

Of course, there are the "bad fortune cookies" that Sue recently found that had sayings such as "your friends don't really like you." The Bitter Train would like to award the "Biddy" in Food Marketing to the bitter fortune cookie. Kudos to you.

Not content to let the Chinese corner the market on food messaging, Dove has their "Promises" line of chocolates.

I say, stick to Bitter chocolates. Who does Dove think they are? I mean, I opened one chocolate and the message on the foil was "Learn from the past but live in the present." Snore. Please? This is wisdom? The next wrapper told me to "Be proud and just run the race, no matter the finish." Really "Joni" in Miami Lakes, Florida? I should run, with a sense of pride, into a brick wall? This is not wisdom. It is tomfoolery (I've been just waiting to use that word).

As you can imagine, the majority of the messages run from the banal to the ridiculous (I won't tell you how many I ate). But what one message really put me over the edge was "Most things you worry about never happen." Yes, this is true. Most of the things that have happened to me I never imagined - it was always so much worse. Thanks, Dove Chocolates, for setting society's sights too darn low.

And just shut up "Kallana" in New York - "He who walks in another's tracks leaves no footprints." Does it not snow in New York? The false optimism of "There are new opportunities around every corner!" doesn't fool me "Toby" in California. Who told you that? Your grandmother?

Perhaps I'll follow "Michelle's" advice from Georgia, "Laugh every day - it's like inner jogging." Because it makes no damn sense.