Thursday, July 16, 2009

It Is Mysterious

Here's a question that we at The Bitter Train often ask ourselves (we're smart enough not to ask it of others): "Why are we still single?"

I mean, look at Lynne (pretend you don't see the sock monkey peeking out of her shirt). She's cute. And look how happy she is. might also want to disregard the plarn bag on her shoulder. But other than those two "accessory issues", she's quite a catch. Yet, she remains single.

And here's a picture of me. Sure, I'm with a man (ok, he's also a relative, so I can see where that's potentially problematic) wearing a kilt and a baseball hat and I'm carrying a sophisticated evening clutch made from video tape, but again, accessories notwithstanding, a guy could do a lot worse. Couldn't he?

In an effort to solve this mystery, I've decided to try to look at Lynne and myself as an outsider would. What would they see? What would they hear? Here's a short list:

Conversation from last night:
Me: Hey, is that ham on your leg?
Lynne: Why yes, as a matter of fact, it is.

In her defense, she didn't know it was there and it had been a hectic day (any day that includes ham usually is). And, once the fact that there was ham sticking to her leg was pointed out, Lynne promptly removed it (and no, she did not eat it). Frankly, I think this, like the items mentioned above, is really more of an accessory issue.

Another conversation:
Lynne: Sue, why do you always want to run the vacuum cleaner when it's cleaning day?
Sue: I'm fascinated by the quantities of pet hair. Last time I had to empty the cannister three times.

Sue's comments to most recent visitors: "Hey, we've been running. Look at my ass. Doesn't it look great? Really, check it out."

At the big July 4th celebration (held on the 3rd) the major entertainment was children throwing pieces of a watermelon at each other...and then retrieving the pieces from the pond and throwing them again...and again.

What about the warm greeting that most visitors get? There are three dogs barking at them and, if they are lucky, or just have slow reflexes, chances are that Tillie will give them a nice goose. We're friendly. What's wrong with that?

Ok, so once you're inside, maybe it's a little freaky, but why hasn't anyone even come to the front door? Is it possible that the fact that there is a bowling ball in the flower bed is a deterrent to suitors? I thought men liked bowling.
And finally, there's Lynne's touching tribute to Farrah's classic pose combined with Michael Jasckson's 70's fashion savvy. How many women can top this?

It seems like all the clues are there, yet I just can't figure it out. Maybe our loyal fan(s) can help solve the mystery.


  1. The answer as to why you are single was made perfectly clear in a conversation Sue and I recently had.
    Brian: So what's on your plate for the day?
    Sue: I'm going to weed whack, then float in the pond.

    I'm serious. I can't make that up.
    I pointed out that perhaps it isn't her lifestyle that is keeping the men away, but perhaps her verbage.

    I told her that it is much more appealing to say "I'm going to be doing some gardening, then lounge around in the pool."

    We'll see if the results change.

  2. Hey---there's nothing wrong with my verbage. I think my bigger issues arise when I eat cabbage. Is that the same thing?