What Are My Health Concerns?

This morning, our friend Pat sent me an email asking me what health topics, I, as a consumer, would like to know more about. A good and important issue.

Not wanting to just dash off some flippant response, I gave it careful thought. After all, health concerns demand our attention. Here's what I've come up with (so far):

1. How much toilet paper must I layer on a toilet seat to avoid germs? Actually, does this technique work at all?

2. Is this brown spot on my arm a mole, age spot or skin cancer? Explain.

3. What is the most polite way to tell my homeopathic friend I will not cut up onions and leave them around my house to prevent germs? I've got enough problems explaining my home to visitors.

4. How many S T D 's do you think that waiter might have?

5. Why does that man hit his pit bull with his ball cap? Wait, that's a question I have for me.

6. I've heard Zumba is a great fitness activity. Is it true that Lynne is the best instructor? (okay, can we at least agree she's the most recently licensed in the greater Gold Coast area?)

7. What is the most effective way to soothe my aching muscles (see above) now that drug dealers have ruined my dates with Mr. Bubble?

8. What does Chris put in the burgers to make them so darn good?

9. The Healing Power of Plarn. Discuss.

As you can see, I've really been mulling these over. One mustn't trifle with one's health.